Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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