just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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