you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
