sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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