We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I just sharted jello shots
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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