I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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