Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I will pee on everything he values.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
