I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
