dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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