if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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