He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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