remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
