Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
