I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
