My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
