Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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