it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Randomize
