chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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