my shit smells like andre
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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