That's intense
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
