Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
