So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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