my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
