Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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