note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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