dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
