you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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