Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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