I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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