no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
