One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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