On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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