Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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