I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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