.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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