Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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