I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
