I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
