So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
