if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
