Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
