She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
