I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
