Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
