So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
