Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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