I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize