Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
