i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm always down for nudity.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
