So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
