Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
