I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
