Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
