Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
