You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
