I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
