I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
