Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
