Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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