two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
