thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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