I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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