how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
